How I Learned to Love Myself - Self-Love is the Best Love
Not many people experience love, depressing - isn't it? Love is not a simple task people learn to give or receive. Learning to love does not happen overnight. Multiple experiences can change a person's ability to receive and give love. Whether it’s because they were bullied growing up, their parents could not value and nurture them, or their crush never reciprocated their love. There are a plethora of reasons why some people choose to escape love. These experiences can cause the individual to have a hard time loving themselves as well. People never know what someone goes through in life which is why it's best to always lead with love; this is something I remind myself every day. However, it’s not always that easy and it damn sure isn’t easy loving yourself.
I noticed I had a difficult time loving myself when I kept getting the run around in my dating life. Guys would say, "It's not you, it’s me - I’m just not ready for a real relationship right now." Bullshit. It’s truly the lamest excuse to tell anyone why you’re not interested in them because if you’re not ready then why are you entertaining anyone, you need to be focusing on yourself. Lying in my bed crying one night, I asked God why - why do you continue to send men my way if they do not want a serious relationship? I noticed I would start emotionally attacking myself, questioning what was wrong with me, and criticizing myself. "What did I do wrong? Am I too immature? Am I boring? Did I come on too much? Am I not feminine enough? Am I not that pretty? Is it because I am a mom? Is it because my breasts aren't perky? Is it because...Is it….is it…?" I became aware of what I was doing and wondered why I expected to receive love if this is how I treat myself. I had enough awareness to stop spiraling into what could have been a depressive episode. There are many people right now picking apart every inch of themselves because the love they put out into the world isn’t being reciprocated.
I wiped away my tears and sat up in my bed. I decided it was time to focus on myself and love the person I am. People think loving yourself comes naturally, however, it’s something you must work on daily. Practicing self-care and saying positive affirmations are important, some might think saying positive words to yourself is silly but affirmations do help. During that time, I made it a goal to get closer to God, I journaled my thoughts and prayed more. I’m one of those people who must pray out loud, if not, I don’t think my prayers are being heard. When you can’t love yourself, at least love God or whoever you believe in. In turn, God will show you how to love yourself and others.
“We Love, because He first loved us.”
God showed me reasons why I should love myself and where I can find love. When I thought I was lacking in something he reminded me that I wasn’t. He told me to slow down my negative thoughts and take in little acts of love - the small moments that we often overlook. Like your mom calling you every day to talk about a new anime show she is watching, your sister watching your daughter for a night, your cousin wanting to have lunch at Cracker Barrel almost once a week, the way the sun touches your face when you step outside, your brother calling to check up on you and saying he loves you which might be hard because you grew up in a household where love wasn’t said that much, your grandmothers tender touch as they kiss and hug you, your dad letting you live your life even though there could be things he doesn't agree with, your best friend stopping by to visit while she has a busy schedule, the neighbor that says good morning and asks how you’re doing, the stranger that says, “wow, I love your hair,” while you’re shopping for toothpaste in Target. These are the ways God displayed love to me. Love can be a small gesture or a deep passion for someone, that’s how I see it.
“Keep on, then, seeking first the Kingdom and his righteousness, and all these other things will be added to you.”
Now it was time for me to love myself; some days I went out and got myself some coffee instead of staying inside for work. I took it upon myself to try to get out more and knock things off my bucket list, which I did as much as possible as a single mom could. I made a vision board in January 2022, the first vision board I’ve ever made. There were some things I didn’t achieve that year but a lot of them I did. I was beginning to put myself first and work toward my dreams. I prayed more, traveled, celebrated my birthday, and worked on my financial goals. I also joined a book club to help reach my reading goal, pushed myself in my career, and met new people. I was dating someone at the beginning of the year, which ended not too long after Valentine’s Day. I kept telling myself if I truly love myself, I need to stop chasing after someone who doesn’t want anything serious, and who isn’t reciprocating the same energy as I am.
“Taste and see that Jehovah is good; Happy is the man who takes refuge in him.”
So I did, and I’m so glad I did because a few months later I met my husband. Yep, you read that right, I met my soulmate in 2022 and got married a few months after meeting him. When I met him, I told him I was supposed to be fasting from men, and I informed him why. He said, “I apologize for my gender,” haha, I thought that was cute. I most definitely had my wall up which I think he noticed, but he somehow found the crack in the wall and worked his way through to my heart. I think he was a gift from God as if to say, you have learned your lesson and now you're ready for true love. But of course, love is not easy, and you must work for it every day if you truly want it which is something Ike and I will both have to remember as we get older. Especially since we dived into marriage pretty quickly. Loving is hard, just like how living is hard but living and loving are parallel. It’s hard to do one without the other but if you’re mindful of all the little acts of tenderness in your day-to-day life it helps make living life worth it. With that note, I pray that anyone that is struggling with self-love will one day slow down and take a minute to look around at how much you are loved whether it’s by a stranger, a friend, your mom, a pet, or by God. Always lead with love.
